Diary of a mother, Jayne, who is also author of Kids and Money: Giving Them the Savvy to Succeed Financially (Bloomberg Press), and her son, Ryan, who just turned 14. I will mostly discuss financial parenting issues, as they come up -- what works, what doesn't, what drives me crazy, what drives Ryan crazy, discussions with his friends, what I'm reading, people I meet as I give workshops, etc.
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Tuesday, September 05, 2006
WHAT TO DO WITH AN EMPTY NEST
My sister, Ellen, is witty, sharp, has a huge heart and is lousy at taking constructive criticism. Whenever she asks me for an opinion about something a bit sensitive or tricky – does this outfit make her ass look big? Do I like her idea for a new business (and she has some wacky ideas) – I tell her, “write me a script.” And sometimes she does, delineating precisely what she wants to hear.
If I had written a script for how my son’s move-out from home and move-in to his first apartment in Boston would go, it could not have been more perfect. Picture this: a rented van, an ex-husband, a kid who had not yet finished packing and me. Doesn’t sound picture perfect? Hold on. The ex-husband is a great packer – organized and has great spatial vision. I don’t. He offered to do all the driving. I hate driving vans, especially in the city. And we were both on pretty good behavior with each other. Not a single snipe at each other… let alone argument. In fact, we shared a lot of laughs.
But the best part was watching the excitement light up our son’s face. He is so ripe for venturing off on his own. He is directed, confident, has a good dozen or so buddies also going to nearby Boston colleges and he’s excited about all the new friends and musicians he’ll meet at school. He adores Boston and has been spending a lot of time getting to know his way around all summer.
At lunch, two parents were comforting their daughter, who was weeping at the next table. I assume she was moving to Boston from someplace more far-flung than Amherst. Still, I whispered to Ryan, “How come you aren’t in tears?” Without skipping a beat he countered, “How come you’re not?” Touche!
The day before the move I gave Ryan a big hug. Instead of just standing their limply, barely tolerating my embrace, he hugged me back. That felt very special. I pushed my luck: “You know, this last day you’re home, you’re going to have to endure a lot more of those. Deal with it.” He said, “I know. That’s okay.” He even offered me a hug – unsolicited.
After my ex and I did about all the damage we could do we headed back to Amherst. If I’d had to make that drive by myself, I think it might have been dangerous, as it would have been hard to see the road with all the tears that would undoubtedly have flooded my eyes. We just chatted nicely. Almost enjoyed each other’s company.
Back at my place, I said to him right after we walked through the door, “Think we should call him to see if he’s homesick yet?” And before Rich could answer the phone rang. Ryan. “Just calling to make sure you got home okay.” He knows I always have a hard time finding my way out of Boston. After I told him we did just fine, he asked me in a serious tone, “So Mom, are you, you know, like, okay?”
“You want to know the weird thing?” I asked him. “Oddly, I’m doing just great!”
4:56 PM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Join Jayne Pearl at the Money Camp's May Teleseminar:
How to Gimme Proof Your Kids
Got kids who want, want, want?
Join us with author, Jayne Peal who wrote Kids and Money and learn the secrets to getting your kids to understand the value of a buck!
Date/Time: Thursday, May 18- 6:00-7:oo pm PST (9:00-10:00 pm ET)
Teleseminars are FREE. To register, go to https://www.themoneycamp.com/event_register.asp, or email info@themoneycamp.com telling the Money Camp at you can't wait to learn more.
Hope to see you there!
6:19 PM
Happy Mother’s Day!
It’s a special day on many fronts. My son, who is turning 18 later this month, will leave the nest in the fall. I made him his last school lunch last week, on his last day of classes. When that realization hit me, I cried. A lot!
As a single mother with a single child, this is a big deal. So I called my sister, Ellen, in tears. I told her I felt panic about the many mistakes I know I must have made as a parent, and I wanted to turn the clock back and do it over again, better. Maybe I should have let him go the performing arts high school he begged me to attend, even though I felt it was better for him to be surrounded by people of all interests. He’d have time to immerse himself in music later. But what if that was a big mistake? Maybe I was to lenient with him on some fronts, and too strict on others. And so on…
Her response helped allay my tears. She said, “You know, it’s the good parents who worry about these things. The lousy parents never think about this because they don’t care enough about parenting.” So by definition, she said, I’m a good parent.
Although my son and I may very well spend future Mother’s Days together, this one feels very poignant, as my day-to-day parenting days ebb to a close. Many years he has forgotten to buy or even make a card for my birthday or other holidays, and it’s hard to know how much it makes sense to remind him to prevent us BOTH from feeling badly, or whether to let him (and me) suffer that sinking feeling when he realizes he forgot… again. I have always contended that letting kids make mistakes and experience the consequences, is the best way to teach them.
This year I decided not to remind him. I was very pleasantly surprised that son remembered Mother’s Day. He gave me a lovely card, in which he wrote something personal, and bought a book on a topic he knows I like. I told him that made it a very personal and special gift.
Mother’s Day is obviously not just about giving and receiving gifts. But when a child, without the help of a guiding adult, makes some effort to select a meaningful gift, it’s gratifying to realize that he has learned that skill well. It’s an important one as he goes through life. Giving from the heart and with thought will help him maintain healthy and happy relationships with friends and, at some point, a partner. It’s not just about money. It’s about paying attention to another person’s needs and desires, about motivation to bring joy to other people.
So maybe that’s one lesson I have taught him well, as he gets ready to spread his wingsl
To all you other mothers, happy Mother’s Day!
6:18 PM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Wow! It's sure been a while. Mostly, I've been going through the crazy college search, applications and now endless waiting with my son, Ryan. So far, he's been accepted at three schools, received no rejections -- but his first choice, Berklee College of Music, should let him know in a week or so if he's been accepted.
By the way, GOOD NEWS: the dreaded Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) form was not as hard to fill out as I'd feared.
JUST OFF THE PRESS: USA Today's March 24th edition included an editorial by founder and publisher Al Neuharth about how he has structured allowance for his children. I was asked to write a short response, which I did:
"Al Neuharth deserves an “A” for financial parenting! Letting them manage some expenses helps kids learn to make trade-offs, delay gratification and distinguish between wants and needs—critical skills for future financial success."—Jayne Pearl, speaker and author, Kids and Money.
Meantime, I've been busy with my freelance work and my workshops. Recently I created a special program at the request of a local inner-city church youth leader, for at-risk teens. The workshop focused on convincing the teens that the choices they make on consumption, spending and investing will determine how comfortable their lives will be in the future.
First each group of 5 students was asked to list all the clothes, electronic gizmos (iPods, cell phones, computers, etc.), and other categories of purchases they'd made in the past year -- and the estimated cost of each item. Then they added up their combined purchases. The price tag of the groups ranged from $1,500 to $5,000. Then I explained that if they invested that money -- and never even saved another penny -- how much that money would grow over the next 5, 10, 25 and 50 years -- which corresponded to possible milestones they may experience such as college, marriage, raising children, paying for their kids' college tuition, and retirement. We used an historically conservative 10% long-term average stock-market return. They were astounded to see that many of their groups would come away with a milion dollars.
We then looked at some stats from the great book, "The Millionaire Next Door" (by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko), that showed how the vast majority of millionaires did not inherit their money or get rich quick, but had mundane jobs such as teaching, plumbing, contracting, or owning a small business. They did not buy fancy cars or homes or clothes or vacations. The only thing they spent a lot of money on was education for their children. By not falling into the pattern of constant consumption and credit-card debt, and investing modest amounts every paycheck, they accumulated their wealth.
The youth leader later told me that the teens were still talking and reacting to the session. Instead of oohing and ahing when one of them walked in with, say, new $175 sneakers, now the group will put down kids who flaunt new clothes or jewelry or other possessions.
This is a lesson for all of us, at any economic strata.
More later….!
10:29 AM
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Someone's grandkiddies are going to get smart this holiday!
Today a new customer found her way to my website and bought four Family Bank allowance software programs (available from my website) and five of my Kids and Money books. She also bought four-chamber piggy banks for each grandchild (not from me; I don't sell them). Yes, the sales were welcome. But what really made my day was my correspondence with this customer, Barbara, who confessed, "As a spoiled brat only child grown up into a spendthrift, I'm hoping my kids will do a better job with theirs." With her help, her grandkids have a great chance. It's not just the books and banks. It's the investment of her time, passion, devotion and determination that are bound to make a deep and lasting impression on the little ones.
As Barbara put it, "As an adult, having always been an honor student in school, I find that my education was excellent except for three subjects that I wish I had the opportunity to learn early in my life - goal setting, time management, and financial responsibility. At least Jayne has provided me with resources to help my kids educate their kids with one of these! And, does that give you an idea about expanding your menu to include the other two? I hope so. I'll be the first to order!"
Sorry, Barbara. No plans at the moment to write books on time management or goal setting. But it occurs to me that both are important building blocks to teaching financial discipline and responsibility. Without goals, saving makes little sense to most of us. We want our kids to set lofty goals and help them manage their time (and expectations, tolerance for delayed gratification as well as their cash) so they can feel the intense joy and pride once they successfully meet those goals.
Good luck, Barbara, to you, your children and grandkids! And have a safe, healthy and happy holiday.
11:30 PM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
HOLIDAY HELPER: GIFTS THAT KEEP GIVING!
We all know that it’s the thought that counts, not how much you spend on gifts, right? And yet year after year many of us dig ourselves deeply in debt spending money we don’t have on bigger, better, fancier, more expensive gifts to make this holiday even better than last year. The bar (and price tag) keeps rising, year after year.
Well I say it’s time to break this cycle! And to help you and your loved ones survive your withdrawal pains from charge-itis this year, here are some suggestions for home-made gifts that will communicate "I love you" better than any toy, jewel or electronic gizmo, and leave your balance sheet in balance.
o COUPON BOOKS. Think of things you and your kids can do for each other, and turn each one into a coupon. Stack all the coupons in a pile and staple or stitch or somehow bind them together into a little book. Some suggestions kids and parents can offer each other:
--breakfast in bed
--foot or back massage (or both!)
--one day free of any complaining or nagging
-- fashion consultation
-- clean out and organize one closet of your choice
o PERSONALIZED PICTURE BOOKS. You can work on these together as a family for aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, cousins and friends. Sort through pictures you’ve taken during the year.
First step: or each person’s book, think of a handful of interesting or funny trips, conversations, misunderstandings, meals and such that you experienced together during the year.
Step two: Find four or five of each person you want to create a personalized book for, then find another few of places where you’ve been together. Then think of funny things that you experienced together. You can also find great photos and pictures of just about anything at www.images.google.com to supplement your book. For instance, if you took a hike and one of you got stung by a bee, look for pictures of bees to illustrate that page in the book. Or find a photo of that person with a funny expression and glue (or digitally paste) a picture of a bee onto the photo.
Step three: Write a funny caption.
If you feel especially creative you can write the captions in verse.
o BAKE FANCY, DIET-BUSTING COOKIES OR BROWNIES. Find an especially amazing recipe and bake batches of cookies, and box or wrap them in creative ways (such as the Sunday funnies pages or hand-made "wrapping paper."
If you absolutely feel the need to purchase gifts, especially for parents who are on your list, I promise I will not judge you too harshly for purchasing my book, Kids and Money, or my workbook, How to Gimme-Proof Your Kids. Consider it less as a purchase than as an investment – in their children’s financial well being!
9:15 PM
Monday, November 15, 2004
Bill on the Hill
Did you know that Rep. Louise Slaughter (D-New York) and Rep. John J. Dunkin, Jr. (R-Tennessee) introduced legislation, "The College Student Credit Card Protection Act" to protect students and their families from large credit card debts? This bipartisan bill would protect students from credit card companies that target and take advantage of them. The bill would:
o limit credit lines to 20% of a student’s annual income without a co-signer;
o permit students to receive a starter credit card with a lower credit limit, allowing increases over time if prompt payments have been made;
o eliminate fine-print in credit card agreements and solicitations, where fees and penalties are hidden; and
o require parents to agree in writing to increases in credit card limits of cards which they have co-signed.
This bill would go a long way to preventing a lot predatory and abusive activities of credit card companies. You can help get this bill passed! Write to your representatives and tell them you want them to co-sponsor and support "The College Student Credit Card Protection Act." You can do this online at http://www.house.gov/writerep.
11:00 PM
Monday, November 01, 2004
Check This Out!
So my son is 16, and for half his life I've been recommending that once their teens get a job, parents get them a credit card (so they can practice using it sensibly) and a checking account (so they can pay the credit card bill and practice using a checking account responsibly).
So my son is earning money. His band plays at many local venues and he gives guitar lessons. So we went to the local bank branch with two forms of ID, ready to sign on the dotted line. I expected I'd have to co-sign on the account. But I didn't expect to get turned down.
I was told that our state (Massachusetts) law requires that one be the age of majority to have a checking account. Even college students who are under 18? Yes, I was told. So if you're allowed to make an exception for them, why can't my son have a checking account? He can't, I was told.
I went to a different branch, where I knew the tellers and managers a bit better. Same answer.
Then I went to another bank across the street. They offered a solution: that I open a new checking account and add my son's name to the account. I thanked them, said I might be back, and went back across the street to the first bank.
I told one of the managers what the other bank was willing to do. "Oh, I'm sure we can do it that way, too." I didn't understand why, if she knew what my objective was, she hadn't suggested this in the first place. But I was just glad we could do it at that point.
Lesson? There's probably more than one, but the main lesson I came away with was not to take no for an answer.
Next, we shop for a credit card for my 16-year-old. "Check" back soon for news on that front!
10:53 PM
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